This is my first time here, and I don't know how to begin. Maybe the best thing is to just use the stream of consciousness method of saying whatever is on my mind without worry about form.
My life is in such flux now. Only a year ago I looked ahead and had a sense of where I'd be 10 years from that point. But, I guess the lesson is that one can never really know where life will take you and you have to be ready for all the surprises life can bring. My husband is going through a serious mid life crisis, and came to the conclusion that he wanted a divorce. It was true that I hadn't been happy, either, and neither of us were treating each other very well. We were at this impasse with neither of us knowing how to move past that point to heal our situation.
It's been a difficult 6 months where I have been away from home more than I have been here. I have visited friends, traveled, as well as contemplated where to move, have looked into apartments. I realized that I wouldn't die off if I ended up alone -- even after 30 years with my man.
But, an interesting thing has happened. My new found confidence and strength has actually helped the two of us. My neediness had been a ball and chain on him and now that I have been feeling less dependent, I have become more appealing to him, and we are talking again. I guess the question of the hour is whether he is as appealing to me as he once was. I can feel some of the old (and new
Our marriage will look a lot different if we do make it. I think we will be more autonomous and separate than we ever were. I will travel more myself, as, I hope, he will, as well. Yet, when we choose to do something together, it'll be more special than it was when we did *everything* (maybe too much) together.
I am leaving next Wednesday for my best friend, Claire's to help them move and am really looking forward to it. But, Ray has asked me to come with him on a business trip mid June -- and I'm going to go -- yet then go back after it's over to Claire's to finish out with helping them. I think this is an example of the independence - yet need to be together, and combining both needs. Plus, I'll get to watch a person "move" -- as I might yet have to do this should our marriage not work out.
I guess this is enough for now -- and hope to keep up with this -- at least a few times a week, but don't know if I'll be that good. We'll see....
11:17 p.m. - 2001-05-23
Recent entries:
How does one update after a decade of life? - 2012-06-28
The Marriage - 2001-05-23
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